


I am healthy, I am whole, I have poor impulse control

by David_Dave_Davey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Archivist Sasha James, Danny Lives, Everyone lives, Martin Kartin blackwood is a bitch and i love him so much, Monster Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Multi, They will be fine, Trans Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Trans Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), chatfic, its my brand, season 1 polycule RIGHTS, set is season 1 but not really, you know i couldnt make a fic w/o some trans shit in it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/David_Dave_Davey/pseuds/David_Dave_Davey
Summary: 9:45am sashmaster -> bifurioussashmaster: Did I just hear a dog?bifurious: ahahahahabifurious: dog??bifurious: whats a dog???[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119 ]On a short hiatus for a week or two while I get my life in order!
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James & Tim Stoker
Comments: 328
Kudos: 365





	1. Nobody ever gets away/Even the best of us come back some day/To the unmarked rooms, where the dry dust breeds/Andrew Eldritch is moving back to Leeds

10:25am bifurious -> sashmaster

**bifurious:** you think i can snag those novelty post it notes from rebeccas desk?

**sashmaster:** Have some taste, she only just got promoted

**sashmaster:** She might even make a full day as the archivist

**bifurious:** ill bet you 5€ shell be out before she gets downstairs

[Read by sashmaster]

\------

10:32am bifurious-> sashmaster

**bifurious:** damn, the past few archivists have left wiht a show, but rebecca really tore elias a new one

**bifurious:** *with

**sashmaster:** What did she call him?

**bifurious:** an evil masochistic bastard, among other things

**sashmaster:** Damn

**bifurious:** then she stormed out

**bifurious:** i think her post its are free to grab now as shed “rather skin herself then come back to this institute”

**sashmaster:**...

**bifurious:** yes, my dear sasha?

**sashmaster:** Grab me her cat themed stapler

[Read by bifurious]

\------

12:04 pm sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Want to go out for lunch?

**bifurious:** oh obviously  
**bifurious:** i wanna get out  
**bifurious:** today is SO boring  
**bifurious:** after todays archivist fiasco things have been so SLOW  
**bifurious:** sash i am like a tiger in an empty enclosure. i lack  
**bifurious:** whats the word for it. when animals are entertained

**sashmaster:** Enrichment?

**bifurious:** EXACTLY. i am a lonely tiger, lacking enrichment, bored to death in research

**sashmaster:** So the deli down the street is satisfactory stimulation?

**bifurious:** you know it, babey!

\------

3:08pm sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** I want to break into the archives

**bifurious:** what the fuck???  
**bifurious:** why???

**sashmaster:** bifurious.  
**sashmaster:** There is obviously something going on down there  
**sashmaster:** We are the Magnus institute, we ARE here to investigate the weird stuff

**bifurious:** this seems like an awful idea  
**bifurious:** but  
**bifurious:** i dont think i can stop you

**sashmaster:** You cant!  
**sashmaster:** Before you ask, you cant come with me. You already have plans with Danny tonight

**bifurious:** sashmaster…

**sashmaster:** Ill be fine, its just a basement full of old paper

**bifurious:** old paper thats been terrifying people into quitting

**sashmaster:** Well I wont be quitting

**bifurious:** just. text me before you go down

**sashmaster:** Will do

[Read by bifurious]

\------

Sasha knew something had to be up with the archives. Something new. She’d be down in the archives plenty before, hell, she’d even trained a little under Gertrude. She was going to find out what was up if it was the end of her.

Step one, wait for the Institute to clear out. The easiest step. A new artifact had been delivered a few days ago that still needed to be dealt with. Volunteering to stay for several hours overtime in order to deal with both the haunted table itself and the copious amount of paperwork might have raised a few eyebrows if the rest of Artifact Storage weren't happy to look the other way and let her deal with the table. 

Slowly, the Institute staff dripped out, leaving Sasha alone with only the table, blank paperwork, and the supernatural Archives for company. After making sure everyone from the new interns in Research to Elias Bouchard had left the building, Sasha moved to the next part of her plan.

Step two, sneak into the Archives. All she had to do was avoid the cameras in the main hall and get to the main staircase. Sasha grabbed her earbuds and threw on the Mission Impossible theme. This step required maximum sneaking.

Step three, profit. Slipping down the staircase, Sasha quickly came to the ancient doorway of the Archive. Now or never, she thought, running her hand up across the crumbling black paint of the doorway. Steeling herself,, she turned the brass knob and pushed the door open.

The hinges lightly creaked as they moved.

Her breath caught in her throat.

Nothing happened.

Odd, she thought, peeking her head into the Archives. They looked just the same as they had when she’d worked with Gertrude. The shelves were coated in overstuffed boxes, dust thickly coated any flat surface, and the three assistant’s desks were uniquely clean. Maybe all of Elias’ picks for Head Archivist had severe dust allergies, Sasha joked to herself.

Looking around one more time, she stepped into the Archives.

And the world crashed down upon her.

Suddenly, her heart was racing. Sweat beaded at her brow as she was buried under pure terror. She stumbled as visions of flesh eating monsters and clowns wearing human skin clouded her mind. 

She was suffocating in pure fear. She felt like she was going to die here, that she was going to be trapped in this never ending nightmare forever. 

Slumping into a shelf, Sasha slid down to the floor. The door looked miles away, an infinitely vast distance she’d never be able to cross. 

She was never going to see Tim again.

No.

She _would_ see Tim again. She _would_ leave the Archives. She _would_ find out exactly what was going on.

She was Sasha James and she would not let fear defeat her.

She was **Sasha James**! She would **not** let fear defeat her!

Just like that, the fear disappeared. Pulled back to some unknown source. She pulled herself up onto shaky legs. 

Repeating it once more aloud, she was Sasha James and she would not let fear defeat her. She would figure out what was going on down here, and fear would not defeat her.

Nothing in the former assistants’ desks pointed to something supernatural, nor was there anything she could find hidden in the rows of shelves. The Head Archivist’s door was locked from the inside and looked as if there was a lamp left on inside the room. Sasha pitied the Institute’s electric bill if Gertrude had really left some lights on inside her locked office. Maybe she could pick the lock if she came back down with the proper equipment. 

Sasha could have kept investigating the Archives for hours, but her phone buzzed and lit up, displaying a message from Tim.

10:57 pm bifurious -> sashmaster

**bifurious:** so found the archivist monster or whatever yet?  
**bifurious:** i just finished movie night w danny 

**sashmaster:** No monster lol, just alot of dust and files  
**sashmaster:** *a lot

**bifurious:** *gasp* did The Sasha James just make a typo???  
**bifurious:** archive monster, what have you done to sasha???

**sashmaster:** lol.  
**sashmaster:** I think I might come back down to the archives again. When I first entered I got these really intense visions of meat clowns and infinite spaces and other horrors.  
**sashmaster:** Theres something going down here, I think i can crack it

**bifurious:** sasha.  
**bifurious:** i dont think this is a good idea. i think youre messing with things bigger then either of us

**sashmaster:** Maybe so, but you have my back, don’t you?

**bifurious:** course i do

[Read by sashmaster]

Sasha slipped her phone into her back pocket and walked back up the Archive stairs.

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk  
To: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

Subject: Congratulations on your new promotion.

Dear Sasha, 

I am contacting you to make you aware of your new promotion to Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute. You will be required to move your belongings to the Archives within the next day. Please contact me via email with your choice of two archival assistants as soon as possible. The Archives are currently a bit of a mess, but under your guidance I fully believe you will straighten them out very quickly.

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute


	2. And high above the water/The eagle spots the fish/Every martyr in this jungle/Is gonna get his wish

9:05am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** i cannot believe were really taking a job in the hyper haunted archives just for a nicer paycheck  
**bifurious:** sahsa were sellouts

 **sashmaster:** dxgfchgvjbknm  
**sashmaster:** I took this job to figure out whats going on here, if YOU sold out, thats on you

 **bifurious:** >:0!! i cannot believe youd abandon me like that!  
**bifurious:** ill just take my paycheck and leave  
**bifurious:** ive already replaced you with the box of files on my desk  
**bifurious:** ive named her sasha 2. Shes you but better

 **sashmaster:** asdgfhgjkhdgksgjh  
**sashmaster:** Tim

 **bifurious:** Sasha.

 **sashmaster:** sahdgfjgkgfds

 **bifurious:** agsdhfjgkglhgfds  
**bifurious:** fr tho this place gives me the creeps a little

 **sashmaster:** It sorta feels like were being watched 

**bifurious:** YEAH  
**bifurious:** its freaking me out a little

 **sashmaster:** Yeah, I’m making a note of it. It has to do something with whatever is going on

[Read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

9:45am sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Did I just hear a dog?

 **bifurious:** ahahahaha  
**bifurious:** dog??  
**bifurious:** whats a dog???

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119 ]

\------

9:46am MBlackwood-> sashmaster

 **MBlackwood:** i am SO sorry ma’am!!  
**MBlackwood:** it just slipped by me!!1!!  
**MBlackwood:** i really didnt mean to let it in he i just  
**MBlackwood:** my hands were full and i had to use my foot to push open the door and 

**sashmaster:** Who is this?

 **MBlackwood:** Oh!!  
**MBlackwood:** im sorry!  
**MBlackwood:** im Martin Blackwood, your new assistant

 **sashmaster:** Assistant? I havent sent Elias my request for a second assistant yet

 **MBlackwood:** oh no  
**MBlackwood:** Mr.Bouchard told me i was being transferred this morning

**sashmaster:** Huh, thats irresponsible of him. He should have told me  
**sashmaster:** Also, whats going on with the dog?

[Read by MBlackwood,User15549162119]

\------

9:50am sashmaster -> MBlackwood, bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Dog???

 **bifurious:** Dog.

 **MBlackwood:** Dog…..

 **bifurious:** is has now taken a shit in the archives  
**bifurious:** great first day

 **MBlackwood:** im sorry,,,,

 **sashmaster:** Okay, no more apologies, how do we get it out??

 **bifurious:** what if we call the dog?

 **sashmaster:** Do we know its name?

 **MBlackwood:** no,,

 **bifurious:** shit.

 **sashmaster:** Do we have any dog treats? We could leave a trail out of the Archives and towards the street?

 **MBlackwood:** i can look!

 **sashmaster:** Ill be out to help look too. Tim youre on dog shit duty

 **bifurious:** wtf???? Biphobia??

bifurious changed chat name to The Biphobic Archives

[Read by sashmaster, MBlackwood, User15549162119]

\------

10:20am MBlackwood -> The Biphobic Archives

 **MBlackwood:** i cant find any treats

 **bifurious:** the dog shit is clean

 **sashmaster:** Wait, Tim, can you see the dog?

 **bifurious:** ofc?? ive been following him around??

 **sashmaster:** Do you think you could grab it if Martin and I help trap it?

 **bifurious:** yeah that might work!

 **sashmaster:** Lets go team

[Read by MBlackwood, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

10:34am bifurious -> The Biphobic Archives

 **bifurious:** these archives are officially dog (and dog shit) free!  
**bifurious:** i say we take a well deserved break to celebrate

 **sashmaster:** i think that sounds great

 **MBlackwood:** oh! i can make tea!

 **sashmaster:** Sounds lovely

 **bifurious:** btw martin, has anyone told u how to change ur username?  
**bifurious:** u dont have to leave it as the bullshit name corporate puts as the default for these accounts

 **MBlackwood:** really??

 **bifurious:** hell yeah  
**bifurious:** just  
**bifurious:** hm.  
**bifurious:** sasha, can you tell martin how to change his user?

 **sashmaster:** Sdhjkf thats what I thought. Bring your phone over and I’ll get it changed  
**sashmaster:** You have to do a bit of ‘hacking’ to override the control locks IT leaves on these accounts

 **MBlackwood:** is that… allowed?

 **sashmaster:** IT hasnt figured out yet

 **bifurious:** come on martin, its team bonding!  
**bifurious:** disobeying what corporate tells us, now  
**bifurious:** soon well be best buddies

 **MBlackwood:** well okay….

[Read by bifurious, sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

10:41am sashmaster -> The Biphobic Archives

 **sashmaster:** There you go! Give it a whirl!

MBlackwood changed their username to martin

**martin:** :))) thank you!

 **bifurious:** oh come on martio, you can do better then that  
**bifurious:** *than

bifurious changed martin’s username to teaking

**bifurious:** a proper title befitting the man who made us tea

 **sashmaster:** All hail the tea king

 **teaking:** sgdhfjgklgfgdf///

[Read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

11:00am sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Elias apparently did not give me a key for the archivist’s office

 **bifurious:** weird? think hes gonna get one for u?

 **sashmaster:** Idk, but honestly I dont mind working in the main archives with you and martin

 **bifurious:** hell yeah archive gang

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

11:45am sashmaster -> The Biphobic Archives

 **sashmaster:** Here is today’s agenda, since itll be nice to have everything written down in one place  
**sashmaster:** Tim: Start sorting the files on your desk. There should be about 5 boxes, organize by chronology for now  
**sashmaster:** Martin: Collect the most recent files we have so we can try to do follow up

 **bifurious:** :thumbs_up:

 **sashmaster:** Tim, this isnt discord, no emotes

 **bifurious:** damn

 **teaking:** got it!!

[Read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

10:46 am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** sash, have you noticed that other user thats read all our messages today?  
**bifurious:** its weirding me out

 **sashmaster:** I just looked over the gc. That is weird

 **bifurious:** think bouchard stuck a bot on here to watch us???? i knew we should have never trusted a company wide chat app

 **sashmaster:** Ill look over the code, but I dont think they could do that?? Or why theyd do it now

[Read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

12:56pm sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** The thing doesnt seem to be a bot. Ive grabbed as much user info as I can.  
**sashmaster:** The account was made on the same day I went into the archives. It has no sent messages, profile images, or anything else.

 **bifurious:** that is. freaky.

 **sashmaster:** Yeah, youre telling me.

 **bifurious:** im gonna dm it

 **sashmaster:** Tell me how it goes?

 **bifurious:** ofc

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

12:59pm bifurious -> User15549162119

 **bifurious:** hello??  
**bifurious:** hello freaky bot  
**bifurious:** whats up with you?

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

1:04pm bifurious -> User15549162119

 **bifurious:** helloooooo????????  
**bifurious:** i showed you my work gc, please respond  
**bifurious:** or you just. Looked into the work gc w/o asking

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

1:12pm bifurious -> User15549162119

 **bifurious:** okay seriously  
**bifurious:** i see you reading these  
**bifurious:** i KNOW you get these messages  
**bifurious:** whats going on

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

1:18pm bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** nothing, it didnt reply at all

 **sashmaster:** Hmm  
**sashmaster:** Odd

 **bifurious:** yeah its real weird

 **sashmaster:** I suppose we should just ignore it until it does something else?  
**sashmaster:** Im sure its something, but we do need to do work

 **bifurious:** boooo  
**bifurious:** doing work  
**bifurious:** you became so boring after becoming the boss woman

 **sashmaster:** be quiet or ill assign you more files

 **bifurious:** BOOOOOO

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

9am sashmaster -> The Biphobic Archives

 **sashmaster:** Good morning for week 2 of workin in the archives!  
**sashmaster:** Ill be putting together to do lists soon, but for now do you all want to go get breakfast?  
**sashmaster:** I think we need some team bonding

 **teaking:** oh! that sounds lovely

 **bifurious:** FUCk yeah  
**bifurious:** i want cronuts sash  
**bifurious:** marto do u like cronuts?

 **teaking:** im impartial?

 **bifurious:** ill make a cronut man out of you if it kills me

 **teaking:** ashdjk??

[Read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

3pm bifurious -> The Biphobic Archives

 **bifurious:** ughghghghguguuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
**bifurious:** why is bouchard down here??  
**bifurious:** im waiting out by the water fountain until mr. middle management is gone

**teaking:** i think he said something about performance reviews

 **bifurious:** weve only been working for three and a half weeks??  
**bifurious:** if hes going to be an ass to sash about the state of the archives ill throw hands  
**bifurious:** not her fault robinson didnt know a filing cabinet from a hole in the ground

 **teaking:** yeah ://

**bifurious:** martin.

 **teaking:** yeah?

 **bifurious:** your desk is closest to sash’s. lean in, see if you can hear what theyre talking about

 **teaking:** ….  
**teaking:** fine

[Read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

3:04pm bifurious -> The Biphobic Archives

 **bifurious:** MARTIM??  
**bifurious:** *MARTIN???  
**bifurious:** are you okay?

 **teaking:** i leaned too far and fell  
**teaking:** right in front of my boss  
**teaking:** and my boss’ boss

 **bifurious:** geeze, you okay?

 **teaking:** Elias is looking at me, but otherwise im fine  
**teaking:** He was telling Sasha that the locked Archivist’s office will “sort itself out”

 **bifurious:** god i can hear his douchebag voice

 **teaking:** Sasha brought up some mysterious user and Elias told her to try to figure out what it wants

 **bifurious:** oh yeah  
**bifurious:** User83246969420 or whatever

 **teaking:** so thats not normal???  
**teaking:** i never really used this chat client in Library

 **bifurious:** no its super not normal  
**bifurious:** and we already tried to contact it  
**bifurious:** i think elias is out of his depth and is bullshitting  
**bifurious:** oh thank god i just saw him leave  
**bifurious:** heading back in

 **teaking:** he handed me a file and asked me to do follow up before he left

 **bifurious:** weird, thats not his job

 **teaking:** its a statement of Carlos Vittery. i suppose i have to do it

 **bifurious:** yeah  
**bifurious:** lemme look it over with you, i can help you find some directions for follow up

 **teaking:** sweet! Tysm :)

 **bifurious:** :)

[Read by teaking, User15549162119]

\------

3:06pm sashmaster -> User15549162119

 **sashmaster:** Elias told me to try to ‘contact’ you to get you off our group chat  
**sashmaster:** Tim tried to contact you and got no where so I dont expect this to get anywhere  
**sashmaster:** Maybe if I try I can take this all to IT

 **User15549162119:** Hello, Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute.

 **sashmaster:** Oh  
**sashmaster:** What do you want?

 **User15549162119:** I do not want, I watch.

 **sashmaster:** Wtf?  
**sashmaster:** What is your name?

 **User15549162119:** I dont have a name.  
**User15549162119:** I have been called many things.

 **sashmaster:** Real cryptic  
**sashmaster:** Are you trolling or something?

 **User15549162119:** No.

 **sashmaster:** Fine then, who are you?

 **User15549162119:** Im not a who, but more of a what.

 **sashmaster:** Youre really not helping your ‘im not trolling’ case  
**sashmaster:** When I text you, when you read things in the group chat, I feel like im being watched. Its the same feeling i had when I first came in the archives.

 **User15549162119:** Yes, people tend to feel as if they are being watched when they are being watched.

 **sashmaster:** Wait how are you watching us?

 **User15549162119:** I watch everything, all the time. 

**sashmaster:** Are you the thing that kept people out of the archives’ after Gertrude’s death?

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **sashmaster:** Why?

 **User15549162119:** People should not be in me. 

**sashmaster:** In you?

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **sashmaster:** Okay, weird, but why did you let me in?

 **User15549162119:** You are Sasha James, and feat will not defeat you.

 **sashmaster:** Were you listening to me?

 **User15549162119:** I am listening to everything all the time

 **sashmaster:** God youre creepy

 **User15549162119:** Yes, I could be assigned such a trait.

 **sashmaster:** Why let my assistants in with me?

 **User15549162119:** It’s dangerous for a new Archivist to be alone for too long and Archivists are meant to have assistants.  
**User15549162119:** In general, Humans need connections.  
**User15549162119:** Humans need friends.

 **sashmaster:** Im going to show IT these logs and see if I can get you IP banned

[Read by User15549162119]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:-D!! actually made my fuckin deadline!! ill try to have the next chapter up in one week! comments, kudos, and bookmarks give me life asdhfjkg
> 
> chapter title is from Real Estate Sign by the moutnain goats


	3. You must try to lead a good life/You must do unto others as you would have them do/So that when you die, you'll find Golden Boy peanuts/Waiting in the afterlife for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6:04am User15549162119: -> teaking
> 
>  **User15549162119:** You are full of lies.  
>  **User15549162119:** I hate you and your “3” face
> 
>  **teaking:** :3

9:35am bifurious -> teaking

 **bifurious:** hey are you okay? youve been out of work for a few days  
**bifurious:** need sash and i to bring you over some soup and blankets?  
**bifurious:** sit by ur bedside, clasping your hand as your feeble constitution wains?

 **teaking:** I hve  
**teaking:** a Bugg

 **bifurious:** like a stomach bug lol?

 **teaking:** Maasybe I wilj have many stpmach bugs soion

 **bifurious:** lol???  
**bifurious:** like tapeworms?  
**bifurious:** anywho you seem like youre really hyped up on that cough syrup, so get some good rest my dude

[Read by teaking, User15549162119]

\------

11:56am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** any word back from IT?

 **sashmaster:** Yeah, they told me their airheaded assholes who dont give a shit about doing their jobs

 **bifurious:** so they will not be coming downstairs to investigate the creepy dissapearing messages?  
**bifurious:** *disappearing

 **sashmaster:** NO!  
**sashmaster:** Apparently if i cant bring the issue up to them, they dont have time to handle it

 **bifurious:** and they dont believe you when you said the messages disappeared after you left the archives?

 **sashmaster:** Absolutely not.  
**sashmaster:** Because our creeper decided to make our dms into spooky snapchat

 **bifurious:** IT is full of amateurs  
**bifurious:** smh

 **sashmaster:** Whatever, we need to work extra hard to fill in for Martin’s absence

 **bifurious:** yeah yeah boss

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

8:32pm sashmaster -> teaking

 **sashmaster:** Martin are you okay? Youve been out of work for two weeks and were getting nervous.

 **teaking:** I habve been trappped at honme withj a Parasite. 

**sashmaster:** Whatever you say, just keep us posted okay? 

**teaking:** Willll do…

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

11:01am sashmaster -> User15549162119:

 **sashmaster:** Why dont your messages appear when Im outside the archives?

 **User15549162119:** I thought you blocked me.

 **sashmaster:** Obviously it didnt work

 **User15549162119:** Shame.

 **sashmaster:** You knew this would happen, didnt you?

 **User15549162119:** I know I can only communicate in the Archives, and I knew that IT would not come down stairs. I did not look into the future and see that this would happen.

 **sashmaster:** Are you like this all the time?

 **User15549162119:** I am like everything all the time. I see everything, I know everything, and I am a part of everything.

 **sashmaster:** Ill take that as a yes.

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk  
To: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

Subject: What an Archivist does.

Dear Sasha, 

I have heard that you are still having issues recording statements. I must stress that recording statements is your number one priority, as I deeply want the archives recorded. Also, I have not found a key for the Head Archivist’s office, and I would suggest you forget about it. Gertrude kept very few statements and instead stored wealth of personal items that would be of no use. If you cannot start to do the work I need, I may look into cutting pay.

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

11:07am sashmaster -> User15549162119:

 **sashmaster:** If you know everything, do you know how Gertrude used to do things?

 **User15549162119:** Yes. I do.

 **sashmaster:** Do you know how she used to record statements? Elias said that Id have to pick up recording from her, but almost all the statements I try to record come out garbled.

 **User15549162119:** Why would you record my statements?

 **sashmaster:** Thats my job??

 **User15549162119:** They are my statements.

 **sashmaster:** What?? Look, can you answer my question?

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

11:18am sashmaster -> The Biphoic Archives

sashmaster changed chat name to The Institute is Incompetetnt

**bifurious:** incompetetnt

sashmaster changed chat name to The Institute is Incompetent

**sashmaster:** If you ever speak of this Ill kill you

 **bifurious:** zsdfxgchvjbknlm;,;

 **sashmaster:** Even the archive ghost cant help me

 **bifurious:** f?

**sashmaster:** F.

 **bifurious:** f indeed

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

1:45pm bifurious -> The Institue is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** you guys okay in there?  
**bifurious:** god its times like this that i miss martin, i think that woman needed some tea  
**bifurious:** im going to make you all tea  
**bifurious:** @teaking, any advice?  
**bifurious:** nothing?  
**bifurious:** what about you, all knowing user, any tea making help?

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

2:13pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** geeze shes really getting into it  
**bifurious:** sash whered you find that tape recorder?  
**bifurious:** legit, i trust you, but it feels a little irresponsible to throw something silly like that on while she talks about a traumatic event  
**bifurious:** i dont think she liked the tea

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

2:39pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** did she leave a rock?

 **sashmaster:** Its part of a tombstone  
**sashmaster:** I didnt turn the tape recorder on, it just appeared after she started talking  
**sashmaster:** Im a little freaked out right now. It all felt so real when she gave her statement

 **bifurious:** yeah i was in the breakroom for most of it, but you both looked really shaken  
**bifurious:** do you want some more tea?

 **sashmaster:** Honestly I just want to get out of here

 **bifurious:** lets go then  
**bifurious:** wanna grab some food from that deli and then go watch movies at my flat?

 **sashmaster:** Do I ever

[Read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

9:03am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** feeling any better today?

 **sashmaster:** A bit :)

 **bifurious:** :)

 **sashmaster:** The tape recorder from yesterday is gone

 **bifurious:** you know what sash?  
**bifurious:** lets just not think about it  
**bifurious:** maybe elias spiked the tea when i wasnt looking  
**bifurious:** we dreamed it up

 **sashmaster:** ashdfjskdf  
**sashmaster:** I dont know if I can drop it that easily

 **bifurious:** well we can always have another movie night if you need it

 **sashmaster:** thanks tim

 **bifurious:** np, np

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

9:14am sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Wait why would you pick Elias to fictionally spike our tea? Hes the most sober person I know

 **bifurious:** you didnt know?  
**bifurious:** apparently before his premotion he was a massive stoner

 **sashmaster:** What??????

 **bifurious:** yeah he used to hotbox artifact storage apparently

 **sashmaster:** Holy shit? Ashdjfgkfh

[Read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

9:45am teaking -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **teaking:** please unlock the archive door  
**teaking:** im on my way now

 **bifurious:** martini! you feelin better?

 **teaking:** no  
**teaking:** i need to make a statement

 **sashmaster:** Wait are you sure? What happened?

 **teaking:** yes

[Read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

10:31am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** Were all going out to the deli  
**sashmaster:** Right now  
**sashmaster:** Then were going to JMart and grabbing martin some clothes, a toothbrush, and other essentials

 **bifurious:** whats up?

 **sashmaster:** Martin is living at the institute for a while

 **bifurious:** okay then, lets go

[Read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

10:43am User15549162119 -> sashmaster

 **User15549162119:** You are scared of the tape on your desk.

 **sashmaster:** Its too early for this

 **User15549162119:** You are.

 **sashmaster:** Fine, okay, yes, I am

 **User15549162119:** Place it outside the Head Archivist’s office.

 **sashmaster:** Why?? Do you want it or something?

 **User15549162119:** I’d like to finish my meal.

 **sashmaster:** What are you?  
**sashmaster:** And I need you to cut the bullshit and just tell me. Martin was just held hostage by a worm woman for two weeks. Tape recorders have started appearing everywhere. I will get Tim and Martin to break down that damn door if you dont just tell me.

 **User15549162119:** I am complicated.  
**User15549162119:** I am the Archive. A collection of every horrible thing that has and is happening. 

**sashmaster:** Youre like Prentiss?

 **User15549162119:** Prentiss chose to become what she was, I have always existed like this.

 **sashmaster:** You know everything?

**User15549162119:** I am omnipotent. No horrible thing goes on without my gaze.

 **sashmaster:** What about good things?

 **User15549162119:** You are not scared of dying.

 **sashmaster:** You didnt answer me

 **User15549162119:** I will in time  
**User15549162119:** You are not scared of dying.

 **sashmaster:** No, not really

 **User15549162119:** You should be

 **sashmaster:** Is that a threat?

 **User15549162119:** No. 

**sashmaster:** What?

 **User15549162119:** Lock the back door tonight. You already have to help your ginger assistant. Leave early. A delivery is coming but it will not stay if it is not signed for.

 **sashmaster:** What delivery?  
**sashmaster:** And why is it so bad?  
**sashmaster:** I want answers!!

[read by User15549162119]

\------

1:06pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** You got everything?

 **teaking:** yeah i think i do! :DD  
**teaking:** got all the essentials

 **bifurious:** and i got all the fun shit!

 **teaking:** ……  
**teaking:** tim  
**teaking:** do i want to know?

 **bifurious:** fuzzy socks and some good dvds from the bargain bin!  
**bifurious:** i saw a tv in the back of the archives and were gonna get you hooked up

 **teaking:** asgdhfjgfkh okay good i was worried you were gonna get condoms or something

 **bifurious:** martin! you wound me! picking out condoms is a personal experience, i wouldnt deprive a man of that

 **teaking:** agsdhfdjgfkfshgt

 **sashmaster:** Maybe we can have a movie night some time!

 **teaking:** :0 oh yeah!

 **bifurious:** that idea fucks

[Read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

10:34pm teaking -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **teaking:** you guys got food?

 **bifurious:** i have SO many snacks

 **sashmaster:** I still cant believe we were able to find both an old couch and a dvd copy of atla  
**sashmaster:** Its been so long since Ive seen it!

 **bifurious:** its a classic! 

**teaking:** i love zuko so much…

 **bifurious:** who doesnt??

 **sashmaster:** Lets get it started! 

[Read by bifurious, teaking, User15549162119]

\------

5:38am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** Martin Blackwood. You will bring seasons two and three of Avatar the Last Airbender to the Archives.

 **teaking:** wait are you the archive creature?

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **teaking:** arnt you suppose to be omnipotent?

 **User15549162119:** I am.

 **teaking:** why did u get my name wrong then?  
**teaking:** my name is Martin _K_ Blackwood

 **User15549162119:** …  
**User15549162119:** No its not.

 **teaking:** yeah it is

 **User15549162119:** It isn’t.

 **teaking:** it is

 **User15549162119:** What does the K even stand for?

 **teaking:** Kartin

 **User15549162119:** That is not your name.

 **teaking:** im Martin Kartin Blackwood :3

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

6:00am User15549162119: -> sashmaster

 **User15549162119:** Tell your subordinate his name is NOT Martin Kartin Blackwood.

 **sashmaster:** Why would I tell him his name wasnt his name?

[Read by User15549162119]

\------

6:04am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** You are full of lies.  
**User15549162119:** I hate you and your “3” face

 **teaking:** :3

[Read by User15549162119]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am fucking making these deadlines. im fucking crushign it. im killing it. anyway please like and comment bc it makes me very happy
> 
> i wrote this all while listing to a goth rock concept album about the homoromantic love between TE Lawrence of Lawrence of Arabia and Dale Gribble of King of the Hill. it was really good
> 
> title from Golden boy by tmg


	4. The Grey King at the rail sparks flying/ Three others in the car with him/ Scared of dying/ All eyes on the front seat/ Assuming his form/ Reborn in the heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11:57am teaking -> The Institute is Incompetent
> 
>  **teaking:** sasha is that an axe????
> 
>  **bifurious:** holy shit
> 
>  **sashmaster:** It is remarkably easy to buy an axe in central London
> 
>  **bifurious:** this is a little extreme

7:42am teaking -> User15549162119 

**teaking:** hey, i just wanted to say that im sorry  
**teaking:** youre a little creepy, but i was a little rude

 **User15549162119:** …

 **teaking:** :/

 **User15549162119:** I think you should be more truthful.

 **teaking:** okay, mx. Archive monster, i will not lie about my name  
**teaking:** *archive  
**teaking:** idk why it capitalizes  
**teaking:** also do u have preferred pronouns or name? 

**User15549162119:** It is a proper noun. I have never chosen pronouns.  
**User15549162119:** To call me The Archive would be accurate, but that is a descriptive more than a name.

 **teaking:** do you want a name?

 **User15549162119:** I am not a thing people apply names too.

 **teaking:** well do you WANT a name?

 **User15549162119:** I do not know.  
**User15549162119:** I do not want to talk about this.

 **teaking:** you sure? Im just trying to be polite

[read by User15549162119]

\------

7:50am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** Good morning archive crew! I just woke up and Im heading to starbucks. Anyone want anything?

 **teaking:** i want to not be woken up by gc notifs

 **sashmaster:** Tough titties!  
**sashmaster:** coffee?

 **bifurious:** yes please

 **sashmaster:** Martin?

 **teaking:** id love a black coffee if you wouldnt mind! ive been up and down all night so i need the caffeine 

**bifurious:** did our atla marathon not wear u out?? 

**teaking:** no it did, but i kept getting hit with these like  
**teaking:** overwhelming feelings of being watched?

 **sashmaster:** Im going to get coffee and handle that now! :))

[read by bifurious, teaking, User15549162119]

\------

7:55am sashmaster -> User15549162119

 **sashmaster:** Did you do something to Martin last night?  
**sashmaster:** You arn’t allowed to hurt him.  
**sashmaster:** I know what you did to me the first night I snuck down here.  
**sashmaster:** Knock it off.

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:03am teaking -> User15549162119

 **teaking:** hey, do you know anything with voyeuristic powers or something?  
**teaking:** like something that watches people when its not there??

 **User15549162119:** …  
**User15549162119:** No.

 **teaking:** oh thats a shame  
**teaking:** sasha told me you were omnipotent so i thought you could give me a hand

 **User15549162119:** I am omnipotent.

 **teaking:** but you just said you dont know?

 **User15549162119:** I do know.  
**User15549162119:** I was lying.  
**User15549162119:** I thought that you would appreciate that, as lies appear to be one of your interests, Martin Blackwood.

 **teaking:** are you going to be mad about that forever?

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **teaking:** and youre not going to tell me anything about the artifact that was watching me last night?

 **User15549162119:** You are wrong, it was not an artifact.  
**User15549162119:** But, yes, I will be telling you nothing about who was watching you.

 **teaking:** mhm, nothing at all  
**teaking:** :3

 **User15549162119:** What is that face?  
**User15549162119:** What are you doing?

[read by teaking]

\------

8:17am sashmaster -> User15549162119

 **sashmaster:** Im serious. If you want to screw with me, I can deal with it, but leave Martin and Tim out of it.

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:21am teaking -> User15549162119

 **teaking:** are you okay??  
**teaking:** i just heard a crash from behind your door?

 **User15549162119:** I am fine.

 **teaking:** what happened do you??

 **User15549162119:** I may have fallen over.

 **teaking:** why?

 **User15549162119:** I was Looking for something.  
**User15549162119:** I could not See it.

 **teaking:** so you fell over?

 **User15549162119:** So I fell over.

 **teaking:** what were you looking for?

 **User15549162119:** It was nothing. 

**teaking:** i think it was something

 **User15549162119:** It was nothing. 

**teaking:** /:’,

 **User15549162119:** Fine.  
**User15549162119:** I was Looking to See why you like Zuko so much.  
**User15549162119:** He has no appealing traits.

 **teaking:** and that caused you to fall over??

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **teaking:** what about this, you tell me about the person that was watching me and ill tell you why i love zuko?

 **User15549162119:** ....  
**User15549162119:** ……….  
**User15549162119:** Fine.  
**User15549162119:** I was the one watching you last night.

 **teaking:** why?

 **User15549162119:** It has been a long time since anyone has slept here.

 **teaking:** so you were curious?

 **User15549162119:** I suppose.  
**User15549162119:** I am made of Watching.

 **teaking:** so you didnt intend to freak me out?

 **User15549162119:** No.  
**User15549162119:** Yes.  
**User15549162119:** I am the fear of being Watched.

 **teaking:** what are you really? because i dont think youre human

 **User15549162119:** I am not.  
**User15549162119:** I am a monster, one of many. I consume fear, specifically the fear of being Watched.

 **teaking:** you were feeding on me??

 **User15549162119:** It is what I do.  
**User15549162119:** Fish swim, scorpions sting, I Watch.

 **teaking:** do you enjoy it?

 **User15549162119:** It is what I do.

 **teaking:** god thats depressing  
**teaking:** how about this, instead of just telling you what i love about zuko, ill get the other atla seasons and we can watch it together?  
**teaking:** its prolly more interesting to watch then my sleep schedule 

**User15549162119:** Why are you being kind to me?

 **teaking:** i was held hostage by a worm woman for two weeks  
**teaking:** you watching me from a room over isnt that big of a deal  
**teaking:** besides, everyone should see atla  
**teaking:** :)

 **User15549162119:** …  
**User15549162119:** :)

[read by teaking]

\------

9:04am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** Coffee should be on everyone’s desk. Just continue doing whatever you were doing yesterday! Do not come talk to me.

 **bifurious:** ominous but okay  
**bifurious:** ill be doing filing with my spooky archive unicorn frappuccino 

**teaking:** thank you for the coffee! 

[read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

9:05am bifurious -> teaking

 **bifurious:** so r we sneaking around and watching sash??

 **teaking:** absolutely

[read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

9:39am teaking ->bifurious

 **teaking:** i didnt know sasha owned lock picking stuff

 **bifurious:** she is really going at it, huh  
**bifurious:** yeah she didnt own any of that yesterday

 **teaking:** maybe thats why she was awake so early?

 **bifurious:** maybe…  
**bifurious:** i wonder if she can actually get it open  
**bifurious:** if were going to see our archive stalker today  
**bifurious:** wonder if our archive freak looks like

 **teaking:** maybe the Archive is nice!  
**teaking:** its not like its done anything _bad_

 **bifurious:** marto. its an omnipotent thing thats been watching all our conversations  
**bifurious:** its a little creepy

 **teaking:** maybe it doenst intend to creep us out  
**teaking:** maybe it doesnt have a choice

 **bifurious:** …

 **teaking:** maybe ive been talking a little with it and i dont think its that bad

 **bifurious:** martin…

 **teaking:** i mean i dont think its great, having an omnipotent thing watching all our conversations, but i dont think we need to make an enemy out of it

 **bifurious:** if it eats us im going to haunt your ghost  
**bifurious:** im going to be pissed martin

 **teaking:** asdgfhjsgkdadsafg okay tim

 **bifurious:** so should we stop sasha from snapping off that lock?

 **teaking:** im going to offer her some tea and a break

 **bifurious:** best of luck soldier

[read by teaking, User15549162119]

\------

9:58am sashmaster -> User15549162119

 **sashmaster:** I will get inside that door  
**sashmaster:** I will do it

[read by User15549162119]

\------

10:00am bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** just so yall know i signed off for today’s delivery  
**bifurious:** you mind giving me a heads up when we have things scheduled? those delivery guys wernt happy ‘the archivist’ wasnt there and that i had to be the one to sign off

 **sashmaster:** A delivery??  
**sashmaster:** What did they leave?

 **bifurious:** its like a p solid wood table with a web design on it

 **teaking:** i think i saw the guys as they left, they were pretty creepy

 **sashmaster:** Thank you for signing off on that Tim, I meant to tell you to sign off for any packages but it slipped my mind

 **bifurious:** no problem, its all fine

[read by sashmaster, teaking, User15549162119]

\------

10:03am sashmaster -> User15549162119

 **sashmaster:** I want answers. I have that table you didnt want. 

**User15549162119:** I am aware.

 **sashmaster:** Leave Martin alone

[read by User15549162119]

\------

10:23am bifurious -> teaking

 **bifurious:** holy shit did u see that??

 **teaking:** no?? what happened??

 **bifurious:** elias came down for something and sasha just  
**bifurious:** glared at him until he left

 **teaking:** asghdfjgkfg???  
**teaking:** i mean wow

 **bifurious:** wow is right  
**bifurious:** do you think sasha james effectively used girl power to glare her boss out of the Archives??

 **teaking:** asdfhjJFDGKF

[read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

11:02am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** Ill be taking an early lunch break. Im taking the company card and Ill be back soon

 **bifurious:** well hold the fort down! 

**teaking:** have a good lunch!

[read by sashmaster, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

11:57am teaking -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **teaking:** sasha is that an axe????

 **bifurious:** holy shit

 **sashmaster:** It is remarkably easy to buy an axe in central London

 **bifurious:** this is a little extreme

 **teaking:** yeah sasha i dont think this is a good idea

 **sashmaster:** Martin Im not leaving you here with that thing inside the Archives.

 **teaking:** well going at it with an axe might not be an ideal solution!???  
**teaking:** maybe you should take a step back??

 **bifurious:** yeah this is a bit much  
**bifurious:** can we talk about this before you go axing down doors?

 **sashmaster:** Okay  
**sashmaster:** Yeah thats. Probably a good idea

 **bifurious:** lunch break…. 2!

 **sashmaster:** asdhfj yeah

[read by teaking, bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

6:09pm teaking -> User15549162119

 **teaking:** i just bought the other 2 seasons of atla, could you maraton them tonight with me?

 **User15549162119:** I do not sleep, so yes.

 **teaking:** lovely :)

 **User15549162119:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:-3c chapter.... also yall im hype as hell for the coming chapters! ive been chatting w someone about an idea for future stuff and its gonna be damn good when we get there!
> 
> chapter title is from the grey king and the silver flame attunement by tmg
> 
> also did yall see the new tmg music video?? bc i need a john darnielle bobble head in my life asap
> 
> EDIT about an hour after posting a comment notified me i fucked up some usernames, they should be fixed now


	5. Dusky diamonds shining in the far depths of the cave. /Try to explain ourselves,/ Babble on and on. /By the time you receive this, we'll be gone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9:09pm User15549162119 -> The Institute is Incompetent
> 
> User15549162119 has changed their name to Jonathan Pogchamp Sims
> 
> **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims** Hello. I have decided to help you all avoid getting killed. 

3:36am User15549162119 -> teaking

**teaking:** so what did you think? :D

 **User15549162119:** You enjoy Zuko because he becomes good.

 **teaking:** yep! i love a good redemption arc!!  
**teaking:** even tho zuko was born into the fire nation royalty he was able to better himself and make real friends

 **User15549162119:** …

 **teaking:** like he grows so much as a person throughout the series!! with just a touch of kindness from his uncle he separates himself from his abusive family and find a new family with the gaang!  
**teaking:** he helps save the world!!! he goes from wanting to capture aang for honor to saving aang’s life to becoming aang’s friend!!!  
**teaking:** i know its a little dumb but ive always wanted a found family like that  
**teaking:** i really adore the trope  
**teaking:** god ive been rambling alot  
**teaking:** sorry!!

 **User15549162119:** No, you are okay.  
**User15549162119:** I was just thinking about things.

 **teaking:** about atla?

 **User15549162119:** No.  
**User15549162119:** Yes.  
**User15549162119:** Why can Zuko redeem himself?

 **teaking:** well he chooses too. he chooses to be better

[read by User15549162119]

\------

4:00am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** Martin, I want to be a good person.

 **teaking:** huh?

 **User15549162119:** Zuko became better. I want to become better.  
**User15549162119:** I am not happy being a monster. I want to be a person. A _good_ person.

 **teaking:** !!!!!  
**teaking:** you can totally do that!!

 **User15549162119:** I want to make friends.

 **teaking:** fuck yeah!!!

[read by User15549162119]

\------

5:02am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** Martin, how does one become a person?  
**User15549162119:** I have been trying to Know it all morning, but I can not figure it out.

 **teaking:** hmm  
**teaking:** well im not sure exactly  
**teaking:** what about getting you a name? referring to you as something other then ‘the Archive’ or something is a little dehumanizing

 **User15549162119:** Okay.  
**User15549162119:** How did you pick your name?

 **teaking:** oh i didnt pick my name, my mom picked it

 **User15549162119:** I don’t have a mom.

 **teaking:** yeah thats fair

 **User15549162119:** I think I have a solution.

 **teaking:** best of luck!

 **User15549162119:** :)

 **teaking:** :)

[read by User15549162119]

\------

5:08am User15549162119 -> bifurious

 **User15549162119:** Timothy Stoker, you picked your name.  
**User15549162119:** How did you do it?

[unread]

\------

5:35am User15549162119 -> bifurious

 **User15549162119:** It appears to be something I cannot Know.  
**User15549162119:** So I need you to tell me.

[unread]

\------

6:11am User15549162119 -> bifurious

 **User15549162119:** Is this ghosting?

[unread]

\------

7:45am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** You are finished sleeping.  
**User15549162119:** Please tell Tim to check his phone.

 **teaking:** okay??

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:00am bifurious -> User15549162119

 **bifurious:** yo what the hell?  
**bifurious:** putting my phone on silent during the night was a fantastic choice

 **User15549162119:** I need your help.

 **bifurious:** 1- why message me after leaving me on read for weeks  
**bifurious:** 2- YOU ghosted me, i did not ghost you by being asleep when you sent messages

 **User15549162119:** You are the only one in the Archive who picked their name, and I would like a name.  
**User15549162119:** Martin said that they are important.

 **bifurious:** …  
**bifurious:** okay, give me 30 minutes to get ready and we can talk while i ride the tube

 **User15549162119:** Thank you.

[read by bifurious]

\------

8:04am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** youre prolly just getting up but i got some messages from our archive creature

[unread]

\------

8:04am User15549162119 -> teaking

 **User15549162119:** There is no need to alert Tim, he has responded to me.

 **bifurious:** alright! best of luck!

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:33am bifurious -> User15549162119

 **bifurious:** alright, im on the tube, i have my coffee, im ready to talk to a supernatural creature about names

 **User15549162119:** Yes.

 **bifurious:** so do u already have something to call yourself?

 **User15549162119:** I have been described as the Archive, but that is more a title.

 **bifurious:** damn  
**bifurious:** i picked my name from an online baby name registry  
**bifurious:** i tried out a few names before tho  
**bifurious:** i picked a few fictional character names to try, a few family names, a few different baby registry names

 **User15549162119:** You are allowed to pick names from fictional characters?

 **bifurious:** yeah ofc  
**bifurious:** do you have access to the internet?  
**bifurious:** you can always look for tips and tricks for picking names from other people

 **User15549162119:** I Know everything on the Internet, all the time.

 **bifurious:** well thats useful ig

 **User15549162119:** I would like to be called Zuko.

 **bifurious:** that was fast

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:35am User15549162119 -> bifurious

 **User15549162119:** I do not think I want to be called Zuko.

 **bifurious:** that was faster

 **User15549162119:** It feels the exact same as being called the Archive.  
**User15549162119:** How is it supposed to feel?

 **bifurious:** its sort of like  
**bifurious:** clicking a puzzle into place  
**bifurious:** it just feels right

 **User15549162119:** Yes, I believe I’ll look for more names.

 **bifurious:** best of luck buddy

 **User15549162119:** thank you  
**User15549162119:** :)

 **bifurious:** ?  
**bifurious:** :) 

[read by User15549162119]

\------

8:40am sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Keep me posted about what it says

 **bifurious:** alright! it just asked about how i picked my name  
**bifurious:** archive monster says trans rights?

 **sashmaster:** :/ This is serious

 **bifurious:** sasha! would i ever joke about trans rights???

 **sashmaster:** Im rolling my eyes

 **bifurious:** muah

 **sashmaster:** See you in work

[read by bifurious, User15549162119]

\------

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Issues in the Archives

Hello,  
My transition to the Head Archivist has so far been very difficult. I have been unable to record several statements. A table has been delivered without any forward to the Archives, disrupting progress for several hours. My assistants and I have been pestered by a hacked account on the Institute’s chat app. I understand that you want my team to be working at maximum efficiency, so I request that you assist us. 

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, Sasha James

\------

9:20am User15549162119 -> bifurious

 **User15549162119:** I have taken your advice and read every guide to discovering yourself online.

 **bifurious:** holy shiy  
**bifurious:** *shit  
**bifurious:** in 45 minutes??

 **User15549162119:** Yes. There is no need to be rude, I was taking extra time to give them thought.  
**User15549162119:** I think I might be a man.  
**User15549162119:** I would like to use he/him.

 **bifurious:** transmasc gang?

 **User15549162119:** …  
**User15549162119:** Yes, transmasc gang.  
**User15549162119:** Your help was valuable.

 **bifurious:** thank u thank u, i am nothing but valuable

[read by User15549162119]

\------

10:00am User15549162119 -> teaking

User15549162119 Martin, I am a man and I believe I have found a name.

 **teaking:** ohshit?? yeah?  
**teaking:** found one you like?  
**teaking:** (also, pronouns??)

 **User15549162119:** Yes. While I enjoyed using Zuko for a time, I wish for my own name.  
**User15549162119:** I have come to enjoy Jon.  
**User15549162119:** I will use he/him.

 **teaking:** :DD!!  
**teaking:** i like it! very masc!

 **User15549162119:** :)

 **teaking:** :)

 **User15549162119:** Not to be sidetracked, I have also picked out a last name.

 **teaking:** oh?

 **User15549162119:** I will use Sims for my last name. I think I like the ring of it. 

**teaking:** Jon Sims?

 **User15549162119:** Jon Sims. 

**teaking:** it’s so dignified! it really fits  
**teaking:** god jon i’m so proud of you honestly

 **User15549162119:** Now, I have a name and pronouns. What is the next step?

 **teaking:** hmmm..  
**teaking:** not sure?  
**teaking:** maybe making friends?

 **User15549162119:** Are we friends?

 **teaking:** …  
**teaking:** you know for an omnipotent creature, you are just adorable sometimes

 **User15549162119:** I have never been and have never been “adorable”.

 **teaking:** asgdhfjgfk _suuuure_

 **User15549162119:** How did we become friends?

 **teaking:** well, you watched my texts, spooked me out of sleep, and watched atla with me

 **User15549162119:** ….  
**User15549162119:** Do you think I could get Sasha and Tim to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender with me?

 **teaking:** that might be a bit of a hard sell right now because theres 3 seasons and i think both of them at least try to have a sleep schedule 

**User15549162119:** Wait.  
**User15549162119:** I have realized the final piece. The key to the friendship puzzle

 **teaking:** oh?

 **User15549162119:** My middle name.  
**User15549162119:** Yes, to finish my name, and to make friends, I must choose the middle name Pogchamp.

 **teaking:** wait  
**teaking:** fr??  
**teaking:** you know what that is?

 **User15549162119:** Yes. I think that the little face is funny. Now that I am a person I want to be funny and dignified.  
**User15549162119:** Ergo, Jon Pogchamp Sims.  
**User15549162119:** Also, I believe it will be essential to becoming friends with Sasha James and Timothy Stoker.

 **teaking:** howso?

 **User15549162119:** Martin, the first time I felt anything other than vague distaste and anger towards you was when we were making funny little internet faces at each other. 

**teaking:** i stg i didnt think lying to you would have frustrated you that much

 **User15549162119:** If I am to create friendships with Sasha and Tim I believe that I must put my best….  
**User15549162119:** Well, not my foot. I do not have feet. 

**teaking:** walking apparatus?

 **User15549162119:** Yes, I must put forth my best walking apparatus. Ergo, funny internet faces.

 **teaking:** i mean. If youre sure?

 **User15549162119:** Absolutely. I will win Sasha and Tim over to friendship with this plan.

[read by teaking]

10:24am User15549162119 -> sashmaster

 **User15549162119:** :)

 **sashmaster:** What does this mean?  
**sashmaster:** What does it mean??  
**sashmaster:** What are you plotting??

[read by User15549162119]

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

Subject: Re: Issues in the Archives

Hello,  
Sasha, I believe you should investigate the table. After you take a look at it and find no use for it, I will have it moved.

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

12:34pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** FUCKING HELL ELIAS  
**sashmaster:** JUST IGNORE ALL OF MY EMAIL  
**sashmaster:** ALL OF THE ACTUAL ISSUES  
**sashmaster:** THE STALKER ACCOUNT  
**sashmaster:** THE RECORDING PROBLEMS  
**sashmaster:** TO FOCUS ON THE **TABLE**

 **bifurious:** oof?

 **sashmaster:** AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **teaking:** im so sorry :(  
**teaking:** it sounds like hes being a pain

 **bifurious:** sash, you wanna leave and go to the deli?  
**bifurious:** sandwich break?

 **sashmaster:** No, I have to look at the damn table  
**sashmaster:** Bring me back something?

 **bifurious:** ofc  
**bifurious:** martin want anything?

 **teaking:** no im all good!

 **bifurious:** you sure? im payin

 **teaking:** oh i couldnt

 **bifurious:** im gonna get you the chicken noodle soup you got last time

 **teaking:** you really dont have to

 **bifurious:** i will

 **teaking:** … thank you

[read by bifurious, sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

TABLE NOTES  
\- Just a table  
\- Complicated, almost mesmerizing web pattern on top  
\- It hurts my head a little to look at  
\- Legs appear to be mildly scratched up  
\- Elias is a bastard for making me “investigate” this  
\- If he wanted me to research, he should have moved me to research  
\- Is this because I was in artifact storage???  
\- Found a drawer that appears to be jammed  
\- After a few minutes of toying, the drawer opened for me  
\- Drawer was empty other than web patterned lighter  
\- Whoever last had this had a specific aesthetic  
\- I really like this lighter

\------

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Re: Re: Issues in the Archives

Hello,  
The table appears to be normal. Should Tim, Martin, and I move it, or will you be able to send someone?

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, Sasha James

\------

12:59pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** sash i think i need to make a statement 

**teaking:** are you okay??  
**teaking:** shes working w/ the table rn, ill tell her to get the paper and all out  
**teaking:** what happened?

 **bifurious:** i got approached by a really weird person(?) with knives for hands at the deli  
**bifurious:** almost got stabbed

 **teaking:** what????

 **bifurious:** im alright now, i just need to get this down

[read by teaking, User15549162119]

\------

2:37pm teaking -> bifurious

 **teaking:** how are you feeling after the statement?

 **bifurious:** a little drained, but okay

 **teaking:** want some tea?

 **bifurious:** god yes

[read by teaking, User15549162119]

\------

5:03pm sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Work is about to let out, if youre going to the cemetery Michael mentioned, youre not going alone

 **teaking:** asdhfjgkd how did u know i was going to go?

 **sashmaster:** Do you even need to ask?  
**sashmaster:** Im grabbing my taser then Ill join you

 **teaking:** you really think tasing the supernatural will work?

 **sashmaster:** Based on my experience with previous methods of removing the supernatural, no  
**sashmaster:** But Im still bringing it  
**bifurious:** Its my emotional support taser

 **bifurious:** asdgfhjgk

[read by sashmaster, User15549162119]

\------

8:49pm sashmaster -> bifurious

 **sashmaster:** Did you get home okay??

 **bifurious:** yeah, you?

 **sashmaster:** Yes  
**sashmaster:** Im going to tell elias to get us more fire extinguishers  
**sashmaster:** Have you gotten any bandages on the worm wound?

 **bifurious:** gettin the plasters right now, and good idea getting more co2

\------

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Co2

Hello,  
I am putting in a formal request for more fire extinguishers in the Archives. Tim and I have found that it is the only way to deal with the worms that moved Martin out of his home. 

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, Sasha James

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

Subject: Re: Co2

Good afternoon,  
I will try to send some fire extinguishers down soon. In the future, please try to avoid emailing me so late at night. 

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

9:09pm User15549162119 -> The Institute is Incompetent

User15549162119 has changed their name to Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims** Hello. I have decided to help you all avoid getting killed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehengenhgnedsghdghn this chapter was so fun to write!!! also,,, my gf read this fic,,, and she liked it,, so im now in an eternal state of uwu/// thanks to the peeps in the cbgg server for coming up w jon pogchamp sims and letting me steal that joke ashdjf
> 
> anyway, all yalls comments, kudos, and bookmarks have really made my day! hell, made my week! so thank u all :-DD
> 
> chapter title from transcendental youth. idk why but that one has always been a tmg favorite of mine. what r yalls fav tmg albums/songs?


	6. No brakes down/An endless dark incline/Most of the boys/Won't ever cross this line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [CLICK]
> 
> [MARTIN MAKES A RUN TOWARDS THE DOOR]
> 
> [DOOR IS OPENED AND SLAMMED CLOSED]
> 
> **Martin**  
> 
> 
> Holy shit…
> 
> **Jon**  
> 
> 
> Are you okay?
> 
> **Martin**  
> 
> 
> You’re…..
> 
> [CLICK]

9:09pm User15549162119 -> The Institute is Incompetent

User15549162119 has changed their name to Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims** Hello. I have decided to help you all avoid getting killed.

 **sashmaster:** What in the world

 **bifurious:** holy fuck  
**bifurious:** pogchamp??

 **teaking:** pogchamp!

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Pogchamp.

 **teaking:** good job introducing yourself, jon!!

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Thank you.

 **bifurious:** so you can text in the group chat?

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Yes.

 **bifurious:** cool as shit  
**bifurious:** im happy to have another member of the transmasc gang

 **sashmaster:** Stop  
**sashmaster:** What are you all doing?  
**sashmaster:** That thing is a monster??

 **teaking:** he has a name >:/  
**teaking:** ive been talking with him and hes a good person

 **sashmaster:** Jon is a monster.  
**sashmaster:** Wait  
**sashmaster:** Jon, I told you not to talk to Martin OR Tim

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** …  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** I am sorry.  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** In my defence, he brought seasons 2 and 3 of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

 **sashmaster:** It is absolutely not safe to be talking with the eldritch??  
**sashmaster:** Tim you almost got stabbed to death by a monster you met once  
**sashmaster:** Yet were all just supposed to be okay with a monster sitting in here?  
**sashmaster:** I am not. Im going to get you out of here

[read by teaking, Jonathan Pogchamp Sims, sashmaster]

\------

9:12pm teaking -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **teaking:** hey are you okay?  
**teaking:** sasha was just scared, she doesnt really mean it

[read by Jonathan Pogchamp Sims]

\------

9:15pm sashmaster -> teaking

 **sashmaster:** I really think that talking with that thing is a bad idea  
**sashmaster:** Hes dangerous  
**sashmaster:** He may play nice, but hes not good news  
**sashmaster:** Its not safe for any of us while hes in here

 **teaking:** sasha you need to stop  
**teaking:** jon isnt trying to hurt us, youre being paranoid

 **sashmaster:** How is me being worried about a literal monster in our workplace being paranoid??

 **teaking:** he hasnt done anything!!

 **sashmaster:** I disagree!

 **teaking:** look if youre so worried about safety, why dont you quit??

[read by sashmaster]

\------

9:58pm teaking -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **teaking:** just checking in again, i hope youre doing okay  
**teaking:** do you want to talk about what happened?  
**teaking:** ill be going to bed soon, but ill be more then willing to help and talk to you when i wake up

[read by Jonathan Pogchamp Sims]

\------

5:34am teaking -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **teaking:** okay so after this ill give you some space, but i just want you to know i am here to talk, you are a person, and i dont think youre evil

[read by Jonathan Pogchamp Sims]

\------

**Drafts**

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Departing the Institute

Hello,  
First and foremost, I would like to thank you for the experience and for the multiple years of employment. I have been honored to work at the Magnus Institute for many years, but I will have to depart the Institute. I do not believe that this job is safe, or that my continued employment would be sane. I deeply believe that you must address the creature in the Archives before hiring a new head archivist. 

Sasha James

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Leaving the Archives

Hello,  
After several months of working in the Archives, I have realized that this job is an incorrect fit. Both because of the poor management and because you have ignored the LITERAL MONSTER IN THE HEAD ARCHIVIST’S OFFICE. 

Sincerely,  
Former Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, Sasha James

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Im quitting!

I hate this job and Im leaving. This is fucking ridiculous. Theres a mind invading fear monster and you told me to investigate a table.

Going to get a better job,  
Sasha James

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: fuck

Why cant i send any of these damn emails!! This job sucks!! I want to leave!! But i just cant bring myself to do it. I cant leave tim or martin here

\------

9:03am bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** sooooo whats on today’s agenda boss?

 **sashmaster:** Tim can you finish following up the North statement? It should be # 0090608. See if you can find what happened to the statement giver.  
**sashmaster:** Martin, can you follow up on the Ramao statement? #0120606. I think there might be some other statements with Salesa if you can find them

 **bifurious:** alright!

 **sashmaster:** Martin, you got it?

 **teaking:** yes

[read by Jonathan Pogchamp Sims, sashmaster, bifurious]

\------

10:25am bifurious -> teaking

 **bifurious:** are you making any tea?

Bz not now

 **bifurious:** …  
**bifurious:** you doing good?

 **teaking:** no! im not doing good tim!!  
**teaking:** i cant believe sasha thinks she can talk to jon like that!  
**teaking:** OR bulldoze over me!  
**teaking:** like she controls who i talk to  
**teaking:** oh thats martin! oh dont worry about him! he just makes tea and wanders around! he doesbt know what hes doing!

 **bifurious:** ah  
**bifurious:** do you uh  
**bifurious:** wanna get out of here for a bit then?  
**bifurious:** cool down a bit

 **teaking:** i am not going to “cool down”

 **bifurious:** …. Valid  
**bifurious:** still, do you want to go get coffee?

 **teaking:** honestly yeah

 **bifurious:** ill give sash the word then

[read by teaking, bifurious]

\------

10:32 am bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious:** hey martin and i are heading out on break

 **sashmaster:** Okay  
**sashmaster:** Is he like

 **bifurious:** hes a bit pissed right now  
**bifurious:** i think hes real mad that you tried to restrict him from talking to jon

 **sashmaster:** I just dont think its safe

 **bifurious:** yeah but hes like. An adult

 **sashmaster:** I guess youre right

 **bifurious:** i tend to be!

 **sashmaster:** asdhfjgsk

[read by bifurious]

10:54am sashmaster -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **sashmaster:** Look, I dont think you should take to martin  
**sashmaster:** But I cant control his decisions and hes been moping all day looking at your door  
**sashmaster:** If you hurt him, Ill tear down that damn door and make you regret it

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Understood.

 **sashmaster:** Look, youre omnipotent right? And you want to help us?

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Yes, I intend to helping you stay alive.

 **sashmaster:** Okay. How do I record the freaky statements?

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** …  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Don’t use tape recorders.

[read by sashmaster]

\------

**Sasha**

Test… Test… Test… 1, 2, 3, Test…

[COUGH]  
My name is Sasha James. I work for the Magnus Institute. I have been chosen to replace the previous Head Archivist, one Gertrude Robinson, who passed away several months ago.  
I have been working in Artifact Storage for multiple years now. When an investigation from research has gone as far as it can, it is transferred to the Archives.  
From where I am sitting, I can see thousands of files. Over the several months in my tenure as Head Archivist, my team has barely made a dent in the thousands of files in this basement. Because of the delay in recording, I fear we have lost valuable time that could have been used to get this place into some semblance of order.  
I have had my two assistants find as much follow up for these cases as possible, so I will add any additional details as an addendum at the end of the statement.  
Without any further ado, Statement of Nathan Watts, regarding an encounter on Old Fishmarket Close, Edinburgh. Original statement given April 22nd 2012. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.  
Statement begins.

\------

11:45am Jonathan Pogchamp Sims -> sashmaster

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Please do not do that again.

 **sashmaster:** Record statements?

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Yes.

 **sashmaster:** Im going to do my job 

**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Its not safe to use the recorders at all.

 **sashmaster:** Okay then, fine. I won’t use this tape recorder again.

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Really?

 **sashmaster:** If

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** If?

 **sashmaster:** You tell me what the number one thing I should not do right now. What is the thing you want me to do the least right now.

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** I would not like you to go punch, hit, or damage the western wall in the Archive breakroom.

[read by sashmaster]

\------

11:48am Jonathan Pogchamp Sims -> sashmaster

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Sasha, why are you going to the breakroom?  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Sasha. Stop. I see what you are thinking. Do not do it.  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Please, don’t do it.

[read by sashmaster]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Alright, I have another tape recorder and my axe. I am currently standing in front of the westernmost wall in the breakroom. I am going to find out what that monster is so scared of.

[SOUNDS OF THUMPING]  
[THE SOUND OF SOMETHING BREAKING]  
[SQUIRMING]

[CLICK]

Oh no.

[FABRIC RUSTLES AS THE TAPE RECORDER IS SHOVED INTO SASHA’S BAG]

\------

[CLICK]

[DOCUMENT STORAGE DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS]  
[SASHA PANTS AND SLUMPS AGAINST THE WALL]  
[RUSTLING SOUNDS AS SASHA PULLS OUT HER PHONE AND BEGINS TO TYPE]

[CLICK]

\------

11:59am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster:** Guys stay out of the Archives  
**sashmaster:** Go home or stay out for the rest of the day  
**sashmaster:** Hell the rest of the week

 **bifurious:** ???  
**bifurious:** sasha whats going on?

 **sashmaster:** Just promise me you wont come back

 **bifurious:** are you okay??

 **sashmaster:** Okay, so, you remember Prentiss?  
**sashmaster:** She’s in the Archives right now

 **teaking:** holy shit  
**teaking:** are you okay??? 

**bifurious:** im on my way rn  
**bifurious:** getting co2

 **sashmaster:** Tim do not!!  
**sashmaster:** Dont you dare go charging down here!

[read by teaking, Jonathan Pogchamp Sims]

\------

From: ”Sasha James” sjames@magnusinstitute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: IMPORTANT

Prentiss broke into the Archives, you need to evaluate the building asap.

\------

12:05pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** martin can you get more co2??  
**bifurious:** there should be some in the main hall

 **teaking:** im on it

 **sashmaster:** tim you cant just run in here

 **bifurious:** where is prentiss?

 **sashmaster:** Shes in the hallway to doc storage  
**sashmaster:** Tim I dont know what you think youre going to do

[read by bifurious, Jonathan Pogchamp Sims, teaking]

\------

[CLICK]

**Tim**

Sasha I’m coming for you!

Oh, shit. Oh, that’s a lot of worms. Oh, God.

[SQUIRMING]

[CLICK]

\------

12:09pm Jonathan Pogchamp Sims -> bifurious

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** There is a closet in the bullpen where there are several cloths you can block the bottom of the door with.

[read by bifurious]

\------

[CLICK]

[DOOR SLAMS]  
[RUSTLING AS TIM STUFFS RAGS INTO THE DOOR CRACK]

**Tim**

Oh, God, how is Sasha going to get out?

[CLICK]

\------

12:13pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious:** Prentiss charged me. im in the closet right now  
**bifurious:** i think im safe for now

 **sashmaster:** What is martin doing??

 **bifurious:** he was grabbing some more fire extinguishers 

**sashmaster:** We have to keep him from coming down here  
**sashmaster:** Im going to make some noise, try to lure prentiss back down the hallway, away from you all

[read by bifurious, Jonathan Pogchamp Sims]

\------

12:14pm sashmaster -> teaking

 **sashmaster:** Martin dont come down here!!  
**sashmaster:** Please stay out and away

[unread]

\------

12:14pm bifurious -> teaking

 **bifurious:** marto buddy you have to run  
**bifurious:** pretiss has so many fucking worms down here

[unread]

\------

[CLICK]

[FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD AS MARTIN COMES DOWN THE STAIRS]

**Martin**

W-where are you guys?

Oh! Worms, there are so many worms. 

[SQUISHING SOUNDS]

 _[As if in slight pain]_ My phone?

[CLICK]

\------

12:16pm Jonathan Pogchamp Sims -> teaking

 **Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Martin, I need you to get into my office. The worms are making their way through the rest of the Institute.  
**Jonathan Pogchamp Sims:** Please.

[read by teaking]

\------

[CLICK]

[MARTIN MAKES A RUN TOWARDS THE DOOR]

[DOOR IS OPENED AND SLAMMED CLOSED]

**Martin**

Holy shit…

**Jon**

Are you okay?

**Martin**

You’re…..

[CLICK]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HGHSFDGkff can i say yall,, getting all these comments gives me fucking life,,,, it makes me so happy,,, its been giving me life! also. god. ive realized how badly i need a beta reader after looking back at how many little mistakes ive made over the past 2 chapters asdgfhgjk
> 
> also!! i helped write an album that just got dropped today! yall should give it a listen! its evil, synth goth music to trans ur gender to!!!!  
> https://cadavercable.bandcamp.com/album/he-hymn
> 
> also also! I am so mad! i have a finalized jon design, AND art of him doing the pogchamp face, but i cannot show yall bc it would ruin the surprise. f...
> 
> title from Choked Out! ive really been getting back into this album


	8. Carpenter ants in the dresser/ Flies in the screen/ It will be too late by the time we learn/ What these cryptic symbols mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Johnny:** Got my phone back as well, im so relived youre both okay  
>  **Johnny:** We just have to hope martin found somewhere to hide and will show up soon  
>  **Johnny:** We can make it through this <3
> 
>  **sashmaster** <3
> 
>  **bifurious** <3

**Martin**

You’re beautiful…

**Jon**

Oh... ah… Well-

**Martin**

Oh, I-I am so sorry! I, just, uh, I, well…

[SLIGHT SQUELCHING NOISE IS HEARD]

**Martin**

Oh God, are those worms getting under the door? Do you have anything in here to block them out?!

**Jon**

Its-its… Let’s get going. If we head through the tunnels we will be able to reach the full building suppressant system. It’s CO2 based.

**Martin**

That would clear out all the worms, right? Wait, where are the tunnels? What tunnels?

**Jon**

Right here.

[CREAKING SOUNDS, WOOD AGAINST WOOD]

**Martin**

That’s been there the entire time? There’s just been, what, a network of tunnels below the Institute?

**Jon**

Yes.

**Martin**

Do you know why?

**Jon**

Why there are tunnels? Yes.

**Martin**

That’s it? You’re not going to elaborate?

[PAPER SHIFTING SOUNDS]

**Jon**

We have to get going soon if we want to save the others.

**Martin**

Can you even, well, move?

[SOUND OF MASSIVE PILES OF PAPER SHIFT]

[SOUND OF MANY THINGS STICKING TOGETHER]

[SHIFTING, LIKE A HEAVY OBJECT PULLED AGAINST THE GROUND]

[LIGHT THUMP AS JON HEADS INTO THE TUNNELS]

**Martin**

Alright, that answers that I suppose.

[ANOTHER THUMP IS HEARD AS MARTIN HEAD INTO THE TUNNELS]

[CLICK]

\------

12:20pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Did you hear martin??

 **bifurious** yeah he came in  
**bifurious** he bolted for the head Archivist’s office and the door opened for him

 **sashmaster** Oh god

 **bifurious** ? he should be safe in there if he can block the door

[unread]

\------

12:22pm sashmaster -> teaking

 **sashmaster** Are you okay?  
**sashmaster** Is that thing doing something to you?  
**sashmaster** Martin please answer

[undelivered]

\------

12:23pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Im worried that jon is going to do something to martin now. Its the perfect opportunity for him

 **bifurious** shit worm woman is moving this way  
**bifurious** im sorry sash i gotta keep the door crack filled

[read by sashmaster]

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “J Amherst”crrptionking@yahoo.com 

Subject: Thank you for your Assistance

Thank you very much for your kind direction to Mrs. Prentiss. Now that your half of our little bargain is held up, I’ll get you the information from my Archive. 

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

[CLICK]

[SLITHERING AND FOOTSTEPS]

**Martin**

Is that a candy wrapper?

**Jon**

Hm? Oh, yes it appears so. If we keep going this way we should find the trapdoor right around this corner.

[FOOTSTEPS AND SLITHERING STOP]

**Martin**

This corner?

**Jon**

This corner.

**Martin**

I don’t-

**Jon**

It should be right here! This- I-

**Martin**

Can’t you Know where to go?

**Jon**

No, I can’t See down here. Nothing like me can. I-I Know all of Smike’s maps from memorization. I must have simply misplaced the information. I can find our way to the proper room. It's not like something has been moving the walls themselves down here.

[SLITHERING PICKS UP, MUCH FASTER THIS TIME]

**Martin**

Oh alright! I’m coming.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CLICK]

\------

12:29pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious** stop making so much noise!!  
**bifurious** ive got the worms handled here

 **sashmaster** Sorry but I wont. Youre trapped in a rickety closet while im in a whole sealed room  
**sashmaster** Im not going to let you get killed because I couldnt deal with prentiss coming over

 **bifurious** im not going to let YOU get killed bc youve got a hero complex!

[read by sashmaster]

\------

12:30pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Stop pounding on your door!

 **bifurious** nope!

 **sashmaster** Are you singing holding out for a hero??

 **bifurious** who doesnt love that song! 

**sashmaster** Alright. If I stop making noise will you stop?

 **bifurious** yes :)

 **sashmaster** Fine

 **bifurious** shes still in the assistant bullpen  
**bifurious** damn. Shes vomiting into statement boxes

 **sashmaster** That sounds disgusting

[read by bifurious]

\------

[CLICK]

[FOOTSTEPS AND SLITHERING]

**Martin**

So you mentioned other things like you?

**Jon**

Hm?

**Martin**

When we stopped last time, you said you and nothing like you can see.

**Jon**

Yes, well, the world is full of monsters. Statements come from somewhere.

[MARTIN TAKES A DEEP BREATH]

**Martin**

Jon, you’re not a monster.

[JON HUFFS. IT'S ALMOST A LAUGH]

**Martin**

No, I’m serious. You’re trying. You’re more than a creature like Prentiss.

[SLITHERING AND FOOTSTEPS]

**Jon**

_Whispering_ I’m not nearly as different from Prentiss as I wish I was.

\------

12:42pm sashmaster -> teaking

 **sashmaster** Martin please  
**sashmaster** Im really worried  
**sashmaster** Im going to get in there, Im going to save you

[undelivered]

\------

12:44pm sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Have you heard anything from martin yet?

 **bifurious** not at all  
**bifurious** ive been trying to look through the crack on the side of the door, but i cant see muhc  
**bifurious** *much

 **sashmaster** Stay safe  
**sashmaster** I think we may have to save martin

[read by bifurious]

\------

[CLICK]

[FOOTSTEPS AND SLITHERING]

**Jon**

No, it should be right around here. I swear its…

[FOOTSTEPS STOP]

**Martin**

Could it be down here?

**Jon**

Hm? Oh! That door shouldn’t be there…

**Martin**

Maybe it's the way to the main building!

[DOOR CREAKS AND OPENS]

[MARTIN DRAWS IN A SHARP BREATH]

**Jon**

H-How? She-

**Martin**

She was shot?!

\------

12:49pm sashmaster -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **sashmaster** Let martin go.  
**sashmaster** I dont know what you did to him but so help me god if you hurt him or anyone else at all

[undelivered]

\------

**Martin**

Why? Why would anyone shoot _Gertrude?_

**Jon**

Why would someone shoot Gertrude down here…

**Martin**

_With disbelief_ What do you mean down here? Would it be normal for someone to shoot an old woman outside??

**Jon**

Well, yes.

[MARTIN MAKES A STARTLED NOISE]

Gertrude was more than just an archivist. She, well, her job pertained to things much bigger than-

[SLITHERING, SHIFTING PAPER AND TAPES]

Her tapes would explain so much better than I ever could. These could be so useful for all of y-

[JON’S STATEMENT IS CUT OFF BY A SHOUT OF PAIN]

**Martin**

What’s wrong?

[SHIFTING, JON GRUNTS]

**Martin**

Oh God, is that a worm in your tail? How did it get down here? Shouldn’t they be up with Prentiss? Oh Lord I’m so sorry, just, hold still, I’ve got my corkscrew. I can get it out.

[JON’ MAKES SEVERAL SOUNDS OF PAIN, MARTIN TRIES TO SHUSH HIM COMFORTINGLY]

[IT IS NOT PARTICULARLY COMFORTING]

**Martin**

There we go.

[THE WORM IS TOSSED TO THE FLOOR AND SQUISHED]

**Jon**

Wait, Martin, do you hear that?

**Martin**

Hear what?

[A SLOW, BUT GROWING SQUELCHING NOISE IS HEARD.]

Is that what I think it is?

**Jon**

I fear so.

[THE FAR WALL CRUMBLES, THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF SQUIRMING WORMS TUMBLING OUT IS HEARD]

**Martin**

Run?

**Jon**

Run.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Is that a…

[SQUISH]

How did that get in here? This room should be completely sealed..

[LOUD SQUIRMING]

Shit…

\------

[CLICK]

**Elias**

Ah, well it seems to be time to deal with our little infestation.

[WINGTIP SHOES HIT THE GROUND]

Besides, I’ll need to get Amherst his answers before he becomes too much of a pest.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

[FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS]

**Martin**

_Shouting_ Jon! Jon, where are you!

Oh God, he was right behind me too.

Jon! Jon, I swear I didn’t leave you behind! Where are you!

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

[LOUD SQUIRMING]

[JON PANTS AS HE MOVES, WORMS HANGING OFF HIS BODY]

[LOUD THUMP AS JON THROWS HIS BODY WEIGHT AGAINST A TRAP DOOR]

[JON STRUGGLES, PANTING AS HE PULLS HIMSELF UP, PAIN EVIDENT IN HIS VOICE]

**Jon**

I just have to get the co2 going, there has to be some suppression in the tunnels. Jonah wouldn’t let fire get down there.

[A WELL OILED DOOR OPENS]

[SLICK, WINGTIP SHOES CROSS THE FLOOR]

[JON SUCKS IN A BREATH]

**Elias**

Ah, Archive, you’re here. How wonderful. Now if you will-

**Jon**

We have to set off the fire suppression system. Prentiss is in the Archives. She’ll kill everyone.

**Elias**

Don’t interrupt me.

**Jon**

How could you just have let an avatar of the Corruption wander into the Archives? Are you losing your mind??

[ELIAS WALKS PAST JON, FLIPS THE FIRE SUPPRESSION SWITCH]

**Elias**

Well don’t worry, your statements are saved.

[JON IS SILENT]

Wait, is it not the statements you’re worried about? Oh, isn’t that something.

[JON SHIFTS, CURLING IN ON HIMSELF]

Now, I need you to answer a few questions while we wait for the Archivist and her Assistants filter out of the Archives.

[THE AIR RIPPLES, NOT WITH COMPULSION, BUT WITH PURE CONNECTION TO THE EYE]

Now, _I access The Archive, where does Amherst need to go to find the Plagued City?_

[THE STATIC IN THE AIR CRYSTALIZES, ALMOST PALPABLE. DULL SOUNDS ARE HEARD AS THE WORMS SHRIVE AND DIE, FALLING FROM THE ARCHIVE’S FLESH.]

[THE ARCHIVE OPEN A MOUTH WITH A SLOW, CREAKING GROAN AND BEGINS TO SUMMON FORTH ITS ANSWERS]

[CLICK]

\------

12:49pm teaking -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **teaking** are you okay???  
**teaking** i was able to escape the worms pretty quick after we got split  
**teaking** please be okay

[undelivered]

\------

1:30pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious** just got my phone back from cdc  
**bifurious** theyre coming in to get you sash  
**bifurious** the worms are dead, something tripped the fire suppression system  
**bifurious** it alerted the local fire department  
**bifurious** please be okay

[unread]

\------

[CLICK]

**Elias**

Hm. I’ll have to make sure that the cleaning crew handles all of these worms soon. It would be just dreadful to leave them around the place.

[SEVERAL WING TIPPED FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, is this the Stranger table the Archivist was so annoyed about? It is rather mesmerizing.

[JON GROANS, MOSTLY UNCONSCIOUS]

[ELIAS SHIFTS HIM, MOVING JON FROM A FIREMAN’S CARRY TO SOMETHING WITH BOTH ARMS]

Well, let it be said I’ve never let a gift of the Web pass me by. 

[CLICK]

\------

1:48pm teaking -> Jonathan Pogchamp Sims

 **teaking** im still looking around down here, i found a stash of nonperishables and a whole lot of candy bars  
**teaking** im going to find you, jon, ill get us out

[undelivered]

\------

2:01pm bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious** sasha are you okay???  
**bifurious** they wouldnt let me in

 **sashmaster** Yeah, I think Im okay  
**sashmaster** They removed most of the worms  
**sashmaster** Have you heard any word from John or Martin??

 **bifurious** john is with me, he had a few worms in him, but mostly hes just shaken 

**sashmaster** Martin?

**bifurious** nothing  
**bifurious** he went into that office but he didnt come out  
**bifurious** the workers checked in there but they didnt see anything other then piles of documents

 **Johnny:** Got my phone back as well, im so relived youre both okay  
**Johnny:** We just have to hope martin found somewhere to hide and will show up soon  
**Johnny:** We can make it through this <3

 **sashmaster** <3

 **bifurious** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy!!! another week! another chapter! this one was.. interesting to write to say the least! 
> 
> title is from palmcorder yajna! 
> 
> also! heres what monster jon looks like to martin! the tail splits into a few thousand filament/nerve-like fibers that wrap around things when hes not moving!  
> 
> 
> and here is he after martin said that he could be human!


	9. Victory sweet as the dregs of the fast food dumpster/ Look how they jump when we show up/ Like they've just seen a monster

From: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Martin

Hello,  
It has been over 20 hours since the Institute was evacuated after Prentiss’ attack. Has there been a search party for Martin launched? The CDC officers currently monitoring me refuse to give me an answer.

Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

\------

From: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Search Parties

Elias it is extremely important that someone goes and looks for Martin. He could be in serious danger.

Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

\------

[CLICK]

**Martin**

It feels like I’m walking in circles. I wonder if Jon was right, if these tunnels really are changing.

[FOOTSTEPS]

I swear I’ve seen that Junior Mint packaging before.

[CLICK]

\------

From: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Please Respond

It has been almost 24 hours since the CDC was called. They keep taking my phone away. I need to know what is going on with Martin. I need to know Elias.

Please.

Sasha James, Head Archivist

\------

2:34pm Johnny -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **John** How are we doing today, everyone?

 **bifurious** feel like ive been hit by a train  
**bifurious** i dont think sasha has her phone back yet

 **John** Yeah…. ( ´•̥×•̥` )  
**John** She seemed really upset  
**John** I mean I’m worried about Martin too, but yelling at the CDC won’t get him back

 **bifurious** yeah  
**bifurious** i think im going to see if i can get her phone back to her

 **John** Best of luck! (=^▽^=)

[read by sashmaster, bifurious]

\------

From: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk 

Subject: Re: Please Respond

Good morning Archivist,  
I have received your email and looked around the Head Archivist’s office myself. I found a trapdoor leading to a series of tunnels below the Institute. I believe Martin may have entered them in order to escape the worms. I have not been able to put together a search party, as the Institute lacks the funds for a major operation to map out the tunnels. I will keep you informed if Martin leaves the tunnels. 

Please get some rest, Sasha. There is little any of us can do but wait at the time being. I understand you are concerned about your assistant, but you should not open up or aggravate your wounds. 

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

6:09pm bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious** how r u doing after they sent us back? made it home alright?

 **sashmaster** Yeah, Im home

 **bifurious** and resting?

 **sashmaster** Yeah sure

 **bifurious** sasha…

 **sashmaster** Martin is just out there! How are we supposed to rest?  
**sashmaster** I just dont know how we can sit here and do nothing. I want to find him

 **bifurious** what are you suggesting we do then?  
**bifurious** storm into the institute and bleed out from aggravating our wounds?

[read by sashmaster]

\------

7:15pm bifurious -> sashmaster

 **bifurious** sasha please dont do anything stupid

[unread]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Test... test…

[SHE TAKES A BREATH, HER PHONE PINGS]

Alright, so this thing still works. Sasha James, audiolog one. I’m preparing to go explore the tunnels. It’s after eight pm and no one should be in the Institute. I plan to keep a record with this tape recorder in case I end up lost.

[HER PHONE PINGS SEVERAL TIMES]

Damn it, Tim. I’m not doing anything stupid, I’m doing something necessary.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Martin**

Alright, I am definitely going in circles now.

[FOOTSTEPS]

God, I hope Jon is okay.

[HE STOPS]

John?

No, it's Jon. 

[FOOTSTEPS START, MORE DETERMINED THAN BEFORE]

I need to find Jon.

[CLICK]

\------

8:36pm bifurious -> Johnny

 **bifurious** hey can you try talking to sasha?  
**bifurious** im worried shes going to run off looking for martin and get herself hurt

 **John** ofc! ill see if i can get through to her

 **bifurious** thanks

 **John** (*＾∀ﾟ)ъ

[read by bifurious]

\------

[CLICK]

[SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH]

**Sasha**

Is that…. Why is he here?

**Elias**

_(slightly muffled and far away)_ I access the The Archive.

[THE TABLE ERUPTS WITH CRACKLING STATIC]

Did Prentiss leave a mark on the Archivist?

[THE STATIC RISES]

**Sasha**

_(Gasp)_ Did his eyes just…

**Elias**

Alright, and stop acting so fussy. You’ll get out of the table and back to the archives soon enough.

[SASHA’S PHONE PINGS]

**Sasha**

Shit.

\------

8:39pm Johnny -> sashmaster

 **John** Heyyyy!! Just checking in to make sure that you’re doing okay! (*・∀-)☆  
**John** Do you like need to talk about anything? Tim and I are here for you

[read by sashmaster]

\------

**Elias**

_(Knowingly)_ Hm? What was that?

[HE RISES]

[SASHA SHUFFLES BEHIND THE BOOKSHELF]

I suppose it's nothing then. 

[ELIAS’ FOOTSTEPS, THEY SLOWLY GET QUIETER AS HE WALKS UPSTAIRS]

\------

[SASHA LETS OUT A BREATH SHE BARELY KNEW SHE WAS HOLDING]

[SASHA WALKS ACROSS THE ARCHIVE TO THE TABLE]

**Sasha**

What the hell…

[SHE BENDS DOWN BUT STANDS UP QUICKLY]

No, no, I’ll investigate that later. I have to find Martin.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Please be open…

[THE DOOR KNOB TURNS AND THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN]

[CLICK]

\------

9:02pm Johnny -> bifurious

 **John** Nothing from Sasha

 **bifurious** damn  
**bifurious** im getting worried  
**bifurious** but i dont know what to do. neither of us are in any shape to go see what shes going

 **John** Yeah…  
**John** Idk what to do either

 **bifurious** yeah i mean. sash is an adult and can handle herself  
**bifurious** but im worried that shes going to run into danger without thinking

 **John** I agree  
**John** We don’t want her getting hurt!

 **bifurious** yeah. i just.  
**bifurious** ive got to trust that sasha can handle it  
**bifurious** if she needs help ill be here  
**bifurious** get some rest alright?

**John** On it! (^_<)～☆

\------

[CLICK]

[SHUFFLING OF PAPER]

**Sasha**

A passage to the tunnels…

[SASHA HUFFS AS SHE MOVES ANOTHER STACK OF PAPER]

Maybe Elias was just messing with me.

[MORE PAPER IS MOVED. THIS OFFICE IS A REAL MESS]

Maybe it was a lie so he could do whatever he was doing with that table. I swear if that thing is cursed.

[SHE HUFFS AS SHE MOVES A PARTICULARLY HEAVY BOX OFF OF THE DESK]

I hope John didn’t get cursed after leaving a water ring on it. I told him we should get coasters if we’re going to have drinks down here.

[SASHA FLIPS OPEN A FEW FILES, TAKING A BREATHER]

Not that it matters if I can’t find Martin.

[SHE SLUMPS AGAINST THE WALL, DEJECTED]

God, Martin must be terrified.

[SHE SIGHS, SLIGHT SCRAPING IS HEARD AS SHE MOVES HER HAND BACK AND FORTH OVER THE WOOD FLOOR TO CALM HERSELF]

[A SLIGHT THUNK IS HEARD AS HER HAND HITS SOMETHING]

Hm?

Is that?

[SHE SHIFTS, BENDING OVER THE RAISED DIFFERENCE IN THE FLOOR]

[THE TRAPDOOR CREAKS AS SHE PULLS IT UP]

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

[A DISTANT CREAK AND THEN THUNK IS HEARD]

**Martin**

Hm? What was that?

[FOOTSTEPS AS MARTIN BEGINS TO WALK TOWARDS THE SOUND]

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Damn, I thought my phone flashlight was brighter.

[FOOTSTEPS AS SHE BEGINS TO WALK, SHINING THE FLASHLIGHT EVERYWHERE]

\------

[CLICK]

**Martin**

_(Shouting)_ Jon! Jon!

No, that couldn’t be Jon, Jon doesn't have feet.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Yes he does, why wouldn’t he have feet?

No, he doesn’t, he has a tail.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

Sasha James, audio log one, part two. I’ve been in the tunnels for around an hour. My phone battery is running low. I haven’t seen any sign of Martin, although I have found dozens of dead worms. 

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

10:26pm bifurious -> Johnny

 **bifurious** hey i cant sleep  
**bifurious** do you want to come over and watch some TV?

 **John** That would be lovely!  
**John** How about Game of Thrones?

 **bifurious** eugh  
**bifurious** can we finish atla?  
**bifurious** remember, we started the first season with martin

 **John** Ehh do we have to? Avatar is fine but its a little childish

 **bifurious** i disagree, but i need something to watch

 **John** ill head over soon! 

**bifurious** sounds good

 **John** d(-_^)

\------

[CLICK]

[RUSHED FOOTSTEPS, STARTING FAR AWAY, BUT QUICKLY GETTING CLOSER]

**Martin**

_(Shouting)_ Hello! Hello out there?

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Martin? Martin, are you out there?

[FOOTSTEPS, DISTANT BUT QUICKLY GROW CLOSER]

**Martin**

Sasha!

**Sasha**

Martin!

[FABRIC RUSTLES AS THEY GRAB ONTO ONE ANOTHER]

Oh thank God, you’re okay.

**Martin**

I’m fine, I’m fine.

[FABRIC MOVES AS HE PULLS BACK AND HOLDS SASHA AT ARMS LENGTH]

 _(Serious)_ Is Jon okay?

**Sasha**

John is fine. He made it out right after Tim and I did. Was- was he down here with you?

**Martin**

Yeah. I-I…

**Sasha**

I’m sure he didn’t leave you. We know John, he wouldn’t. Let’s focus on getting out of here, alright?

[MARTIN TAKES A BREATH]

**Martin**

Alright.

[CLICK]

\------

1:14am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Just found Martin, we’re on the tube to my place now

 **bifurious** are you both okay????

 **sashmaster** Yeah, just tired and dirty  
**teaking** well be good in a little time

 **John** Oh I hope you all get cleaned off soon!!

 **bifurious** come over to my place. john and i are already here  
**bifurious** archive movie night

 **teaking** that sounds wonderful

 **sashmaster** Were on our way

[read by Johnny, teaking, bifurious]

\------

From: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Re:Re:Please Respond

Hello,  
Martin has returned from the tunnels. My team will be taking a two week break to recover.

Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

\------

To: “Elias Bouchard”ebouchard@magnusinstiute.co.uk

To: “Sasha James”sjames@magnusinstiute.co.uk

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Please Respond

Good afternoon,  
I also suggest you take the two weeks off as well. No need to overwork yourself trying to get back.

Audio. Vigilo. Opperior.  
Elias Bouchard, Director of the Magnus Institute

\------

[CLICK]

**Elias**

Hm, It appears that someone disturbed the body down here. Pity, I was hoping to keep that hidden for a little longer. Well, lucky they didn’t take any tapes The Archive hasn’t eaten.

[HE SHIFTS]

Maybe it’s time to get this cleared out before it rots too much. I would hate to have a secondary infestation of the Filth.

[CLICK]

\------

7:35am sashmaster -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **sashmaster** Good morning! Remember guys, today is the day we all head back

 **bifurious** sash please tell me that youre not at the institute this early?

 **sashmaster** Dont be late!  
**sashmaster** :)

[read by bifurious, teaking, Johnny]

\------

[CLICK]

[SCRAPES ARE HEARD AS SASHA MOVES THE TABLE ACROSS THE FLOOR]

**Sasha**

Finally, that should be good.

[A DOOR IS PULLED CLOSED AS SASHA SHUTS THE TABLE INTO THE HEAD ARCHIVIST’S OFFICE]

\------

9:14am bifurious -> The Institute is Incompetent

 **bifurious** okay okay okay  
**bifurious** i may be late on our first day back  
**bifurious** BUT

 **sashmaster** But?

 **John** But??

 **teaking** but?

 **bifurious** BUT  
**bifurious** i have coffee for everyone

 **John** (*＾∀゜) (*＾∀゜) (*＾∀゜)

 **sashmaster** ….  
**sashmaster** Alright

 **teaking** thank you tim!

 **sashmaster** Once you all get here I have today’s agenda:  
**sashmaster** Martin: look for any statements mentioning odd tables  
**sashmaster** John: please look for any delivery records from Breekon and Hope  
**sashmaster** Tim: Bring me my coffee and call around for follow up from the statement 0070107

 **John** On it! (*ゝω・)ﾉ

 **bifurious** can do boss!

 **teaking** ill start looking through the documents!

\------

[CLICK]

**Martin**

Hey, here’s a few statements involving tables! I hope they help a bit!

**Sasha**

Thank you, Martin.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

Statement of Ivo Lensik, regarding his experiences during construction of a house on Hill Top Road, Oxford. Original statement given March 13th, 2007. Audio recording by Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.  
Statement begins.

\------

10:31am teaking -> bifurious, sashmaster

 **teaking** okay maybe im just seeing something but is it just me or doesnt jon feel different?  
**teaking** like every time he speaks it just feels wrong. like hes different  
**teaking** john?

 **bifurious** he spells it john  
**bifurious** are you doing okay martin? bc john seems perfectly normal?  
**bifurious** i mean he bounced back real quick but i think thats just how he responds to things  
**bifurious** with cheer and those weird emotes

 **teaking** yeah maybe.. i might just be in my head

[read by sashmaster, teaking]

\------

11:08am Johnny -> sashmaster

 **John** Hey! How are you feeling? You looked pretty tired when you came out to ask Tim about the follow up (●´^｀●)

 **sashmaster** Im fine, just tired  
**sashmaster** Statements really wear me out

 **John** （＊〇□〇）……！  
**John** Oh no!!! Nothing is important enough to be worth wearing yourself out for!!!

 **sashmaster** Alright, thanks John

 **John** (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

[read by sashmaster]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

No, no I can go for another statement. I want to know what the hell Elias was doing, talking about Prentiss and marks.

Statement of Lawrence Moore. Regarding something that was not his cousin. Original statement given June 12th, 2001. Audio recording by Sasha James, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.  
Statement begins.

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Sasha James, audio log two, part one. I’ve been researching the mystery table all day. It seems that it consumes it’s victims and replaces them with monstrous versions of them. I’m deeply worried that it has begun to affect us here at the Archives. Martin has already begun to mistake John for someone else. He keeps misspelling John’s name and acting as if he’s a different person. Removing the table from the office hasn’t seemed to lessen the effects.

I just want to know what Elias was doing with the table. Was he causing it to activate? Why would it have information about Prentiss? Why did it buzz?

I’ll keep my log updated as I discover more.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Martin**

_(Yelling)_ You’re not Jon! I don’t know who you are! Where is Jon?

**John**

What are you talking about? Martin, I am John?

**Sasha**

What’s going on out here?

**Martin**

_(Yelling)_ That’s not Jon!!

**Sasha**

Yes it is! That is John!

**Tim**

Guys let’s just calm down--

**Martin**

_(Yelling)_ How am I supposed to calm down when he’s here!!

**Sasha**

_(Stern)_ Martin, go home.

**Martin**

What?

**Sasha**

Go home for the rest of the day.

**Martin**

I just-

**Sasha**

Go home, Martin.

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

Sasha James, audio log two, part two. I need to get rid of that table. It’s harming Martin and I can’t sit and let that go. I still have my axe… 

_(Quietly)_ Why do I have an axe..

 _(Back on track)_ I still have my axe and plan to destroy the table. 

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

[THUMP]

[THUMP]

[THUMP]

[WOOD SPLINTERS UNDER SASHA’S AXE]

[THUMP, WITH A FINAL SWING, THE TABLE FALLS APART]

[STATIC RIPS THOUGH THE AIR]

[SASHA MAKES A STARTLED SOUND AND SCRAMBLES BACKWARDS]

**Jon**

_(Disoriented)_ Wha-

**Sasha**

What the hell are you?!

**Jon**

Sasha?

**Sasha**

How are you speaking? What are you? You’re just a bunch of eyes.

**Jon**

Wait did you break the table?!

[SASHA GRIPS THE AXE AND STEPS FORWARD, READY TO BRING IT DOWN ON JON]

**Sasha**

This is for what you did to Martin.

[SECONDS BEFORE THE AXE MAKES CONTACT, THE ARCHIVIST'S DOOR OPENS]

John?

**Jon**

Oh no…

**John**

You really broke it… The table, you broke it…

**Sasha**

Yes, I was trying to protect…

John, what are you doing? Don’t touch that thing!

**John**

It’s broken… I’m free….

**Sasha**

Free?

[FLESH RIPS AND TWISTS. JOHN’S BODY TRANSFORMS INTO A GROSS CARICATURE OF HUMAN FORM]

**Jon**

Sasha, the tunnels!! Run!

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

[SASHA PANTS, SHE ALMOST SLOWS BUT REMEMBERS THE CREATURE THAT WAS NOT JOHN. SHE SPEEDS UP]

[CLICK]

\------

[CLICK]

**Sasha**

Wha- how is there a door here?

[DOOR CREAKS AS IT OPENS]

[SASHA’S BREATH CATCHES IN HER THROAT]

Gertrude?!

[SHE TAKES SEVERAL STEPS FORWARD]

Why? 

[PAPER RUSTLES AS SASHA PICKS UP SEVERAL FILES]

I-I need to find a way out now.

[HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AS SASHA RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, STATEMENTS IN HAND]

\------

[CLICK]

**Elias**

Hello, Officer Hussain. I’d like to report a body and a missing person.

[A MUFFLED RESPONSE IS HEARD FROM OVER THE PHONE]

Yes, please come over, I’ll give you the full details once you arrive. Thank you.

[CLICK]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> johns who say hiiiiiiii v jons who say bruh.
> 
> there were no pogchamps this chapter, but at what cost?
> 
> anyway! ch title from rat queen by tmg
> 
> kudos and comments always make me super happy :-DD so tysm from all yall!

**Author's Note:**

> god fuck i love this polycule and chatfics. inspired by a few different tma chat fics ive seen floatin around! gonna try to update a chapter a week while i deal w writing block from my other fics lol
> 
> fic title from riches and wonders by tmg and the chapter title is from andrew eldrich is coming back to leeds 
> 
> comments and kudos mean the literal world to me


End file.
